If I Had You
by RussianWolf7
Summary: Kurt/Finn one-sided angsty one-shot. Finn is curious about sex with a boy, and asks Kurt to show him.


**Title:** If I Had You

**Pairing:** Kurt/Finn

**Warnings:** Sex, angst.

**Word Count:** 2,260

**Rating:** M.

**Spoilers:** None.

**Disclaimer:** Glee does not belong to me, these characters aren't mine, they would never do these things, I mean no disrespect, blah blah blah…If I Had You belongs to Adam Lambert and the song at the end is Another Year: A Short History of Almost Something by Amanda Palmer.

**Author's Note:** Inspired by a glee_kink_meme prompt (concise version):

_Finn's straight, but for whatever reason (except being drunk) gets curious about what it might be like to do sexual things with a guy, and wants to explore a bit with Kurt. Kurt's willing to go along with it because he knows it's probably the only way he'll ever have Finn, and he still hasn't completely let go of his crush._

Lots of one-sided angst! Be warned.

_If I Had You._

I was on my bed, curled up with the newest Marie Claire and listening to Beyoncé when Finn came home. I glanced up, smiled, and went back to reading. He looked amazing, as per usual, and it was through months of practice that I could look away at all, let alone with such ease.

"Hey," he said, tossing his backpack on the floor and collapsing on the couch. "You weren't at football practice today."

I shrugged. "Coach said I didn't need to be, since all I do is kick."

"Oh."

I could feel him looking at me, could tell there was something else he wanted to say, but I didn't want to push him. We'd been getting along really well, but it took a lot of effort, and a lot of being careful about what was said. Eventually I settled on an unobtrusive, "What's up?"

Finn let out a long sigh. "Do you ever get curious about what it'd be like to be with a girl?"

I raised my eyebrows. "No. They're insecure, self absorbed and don't have penises. Why?"

He was leaning back and keeping his eyes on the ceiling. "I dunno. Sometimes I wonder about guys."

My heart sped up and I could barely breathe. "Oh?" I managed, my voice coming out as a squeak.

"Not like dating or anything, but maybe, y'know, experimenting?" He turned to me, blushing slightly, the question clear enough in his eyes. "Do you think you'd maybe be able to help?"

I wanted to say no. I really did. There was no way this could end in anything other than heartbreak for me, but I couldn't seem to communicate the message to my mouth. "Sure," I said, still squeaking more than talking. "What did you have in mind?"

Finn smiled his tiny, happy-embarrassed smile that made my stomach flip. "I dunno," he replied, coming over and sitting on the foot of my bed. "I don't really know how this works."

I put my magazine down on my bedside table, hands shaking a little. "Well, there are a lot of different things we could do."

"I don't want to have sex," he said in a hurry. "That's a little too far."

"That's fine." My stomach fluttered that he'd even thought of that with me. "I could kiss you."

"Okay."

I moved down so I was sitting next to him, our shoulders almost touching. I couldn't believe this was actually happening, that I was resting a hand on his cheek, turning him so he faced me. "Tell me if you want me to stop." Finn nodded, but he was the one who leaned down and closed the distance between us. His lips were soft and sweet, moving hesitantly against mine. My eyes closed and I whimpered quietly, unable to help myself. I had waited so long for this, but now that it was happening, my stomach was knotting and I felt a little like I was going to throw up. He didn't love me, didn't care about me at all beyond a one time hook up, but I couldn't stop.

Finn was also the one who deepened our kiss, sliding his tongue into my mouth, exploring me. He put a hand on my hip, gently pulling me closer. I couldn't think, or respond, or do anything other than let him touch me. He was an amazing kisser, though I didn't have anyone to judge him against. I could feel myself getting hard, but I didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

And then he was pushing me back, keeping his mouth on mine as he lay down on top of me, and nothing else mattered. My brain kicked in again and I could finally kiss him back, run my hands over his body, brushing the thin strip of skin between his shirt and his pants. He hummed quietly, hips connecting with mine, and yes, apparently erections were in tonight. I moaned and thrust up, unable to help myself.

"You feel so good," he muttered against my lips, slowly grinding against me. Any coherency I had managed was gone, replaced with overwhelming desire and desperation. I was dying, melting into the mattress to never be seen again, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. Not that I would have; his touch was addicting, the feel of his erection rubbing gently against my stomach nearly more than I could take.

My body was smarter than me, instinctually knowing what to do. I started sucking on his neck as my hands explored under his shirt. His muscles were rigid, trembling beneath my touch, and against all odds it seemed like he was enjoying himself as much as I was. Maybe even more, since it wasn't his heart that was breaking. I pulled his shirt off, tossing it indifferently to the floor, and now I could see him without having to pretend I was looking. I grazed a nipple with my fingernail, and he shivered.

Finn started unbuttoning my shirt, kissing the newly exposed skin as he went. I kept my hands in his hair, not holding him in place but anchoring myself to him. I had the idea that if I let go, if I stopped touching him he'd just float away, and all this would be gone forever. I couldn't let that happen, at least not yet. By the time he made it down to the last button I was gasping and thrusting, completely unable to control myself. His mouth was inches away from my erection, still clothed or not.

He looked up at me, eyes dark. "What do you want me to do?"

My stomach clenched. I couldn't remember a time when I hadn't wanted to hear him say that, but not like this. What did I want? I wanted him to tell me he loved me, to hold me, and kiss me, and never let me go. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms and to wake up still wrapped in them. I wanted him inside of me, I wanted to be inside of him. I wanted everything, and this no-man's-land in between was worse than nothing at all. Maybe if I was a better person I could have stopped, but I wasn't strong enough.

"Whatever you want." The words fell from my lips, and as far as I could tell, they sounded sexy and aroused rather than desolate.

"I think I want to see you."

I grabbed the sheets, needing something to hold onto something. "Go ahead."

Finn unbuttoned and unzipped my pants agonizingly slowly, pulling them down with the same deliberate care. I felt like I was under a microscope, like he was scrutinizing me, like I needed to be perfect. My boxers were still on, but they did nothing to hide my erection. I closed my eyes, not able to stand watching him watch me.

"You're beautiful, Kurt."

Again, my stomach clenched. The words were a lie, couldn't be true. I muttered something unintelligible through clenched teeth. His hands slipped under my waistband and pulled down, creating a maddening friction. Then they, too, were gone, and I was lying before him completely bared.

"I—I'm not sure what to do," Finn said, a slight tremble in his voice.

"Touch me," I whispered. _Don't,_ I silently begged. _Just get up and go away and leave me alone._

He hesitantly wrapped a hand around me, stroking so lightly I could barely feel him. My hips jumped up, trying to get more of his touch. It was surreal, needing him so badly, like every fiber in my being was calling out to him while simultaneously rejecting him, trying to protect me from getting hurt. It was especially strange that he had no idea about any of this, that he thought we were just two guys fooling around.

He picked up the pace, tightening his grip and moving faster. I couldn't stop myself from moving with him, digging my fingers into the mattress and biting my lip. There was no way I was going to last much longer; as terrible as this was, it was also the single sexiest thing that had ever happened to me. While that wasn't saying much, I was pretty sure it wouldn't budge from the top of my list anytime soon, no matter how many other partners I might have in the future.

"Finn." It escaped my lips without my permission, and I froze. Was I allowed to say his name? I had so many times by myself, it just seemed natural.

Apparently it was more than allowed, because his mouth replaced his hand. I moaned, no words this time, just pure pleasure. My back arched, pushing me deeper into his mouth. He didn't seem to mind, continuing to explore me, to find the spots that made me scream. I had no idea how long it went on before I could feel my orgasm building, and I knew I needed to say something.

"Stop," I gasped, twining my fingers in his hair, pulling up. "Finn, stop, I'm gonna—"

And then it was too late. I came, fireworks exploding behind my eyes, shaking uncontrollably. He managed to swallow most of it, a feat that wasn't lost on me, even in this state. I started to come down, and it hit me again that we had actually done this, that I had just come in Finn's mouth. It took all of my strength to not curl up into a ball and start crying; with the endorphins gone, all that was left was the crushing reality of the fact that this would never, ever happen again. _He doesn't love me,_ I thought, keeping my eyes closed, forcing back tears. _He doesn't love me, doesn't love me, doesn't love me._

"Kurt?" Finn's voice was quiet and almost awed. "Are you okay?"

I forced a smile. "Yeah. That was…amazing." Definitely not a lie. I made myself open my eyes and sit up, and my lips found his in a surprisingly tender kiss. _Doesn't love me, doesn't love me._ Maybe so, but I could still kiss him, at least for now. "Do you want me to, uh, do you?" I asked, stomach tightening anticipation of a big, fat no.

Instead he moaned quietly and kissed me again. "God yes."

I whimpered again, and my cock twitched. Spent or not, I couldn't imagine better words to hear from him. My hands found his fly and made quick work of it, which impressed even me. I could feel his hardness, and I marveled at it. This was for me? I couldn't believe it. He wriggled out of his pants and underwear, and it was all I could do to keep on breathing. He was sitting on my bed. Naked. On my bed. My bed. Naked. It didn't make sense.

Finn looked at me, his shyness clearly visible. "Am I okay?"

I smiled a real smile. "You're perfect." It occurred to me that this was my first time, too, and I had no idea what I was doing. What if I screwed up? What if I wasn't any good? What if he couldn't come? That last thought sent a bolt of pain searing through me. Nothing could possibly be worse than that, and, really, it was pretty likely, wasn't it? Finn wasn't gay, didn't love me, wasn't attracted to me at all.

"Kurt?"

_No backing out now, _I thought as I bent over and took him in my mouth. He tasted amazing, better than chocolate. And the sounds he was making were incredible—whimpers and moans amidst heavy breathing. I stroked his sac, barely brushing my fingers across it, and he shuddered. It gave me confidence, enough to nearly ruin the night. I found his opening and, as carefully as I could, slid a finger into him.

Finn jerked away, and I could tell it wasn't the good sort of jerk but the holy-shit-what-the-hell-are-you-doing sort. "Hey, Kurt, wait." His voice was breathy, and it felt like my heart was being squeezed to death. "Not so far, okay? I'm not gay."

_Like you really need to remind me,_ I thought miserably. "I'm sorry," I muttered, cheeks flaming.

"It's okay," he said, and smiled at me. "Wanna finish?"

I was mortified, so completely and utterly humiliated, and he wanted me to keep going? "Yeah." I resumed my previous work, keeping my hands on his chest and hips where they couldn't do any further harm. I couldn't bring myself to enjoy the experience, even on a superficial level, anymore. I just wanted it done so we could move on and forget it ever happened. I let my body take over, and it seemed to do a good enough job. Finn came, not as hard as I had, and I swallowed, hating myself for it. I sat up, wiping my lips, trying to find an excuse to leave.

"I'm gonna take a shower, okay?" Finn stood up and stretched, and I couldn't look away.

He smiled again, a full, sunny smile. "Thanks, Kurt."

I managed to return it instead of bursting into tears on the spot. "No problem."

He reached out and stroked my cheek, once, before disappearing into the bathroom. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore and I buried my head in my pillow so he couldn't hear me. A line from some song I couldn't remember floated through my head, comforting and terrible at the same time.

_I'm getting smaller by degrees. You said you'd help me disappear, but that could take forever._

6


End file.
